


Switch

by salainen



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Belligerent Sexual Tension, Bodyswap, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 06:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2057397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salainen/pseuds/salainen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scout eats Merasmus' yogurt. A curse is laid, bodies are switched, shenanigans happen. Perhaps even a lesson is learned, but probably not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Switch

“Yo,” Scout says, poking through the fridge, “whose yogurt is this?” It's not labelled, and it's just sitting there. If no one says anything, Scout's going to eat it. They've got thirty seconds.

_Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty._

“I'm eating this yogurt!” He does. “Man, what flavour is this? It's terrible.”

“It is apricot and _your doom!_ ” Merasmus says, appearing in a cloud of smoke with a clap of thunder. 

Scout is unimpressed.

“Soldier, what the fuck is your old roommate doing here?” he shouts.

Soldier wanders in at Scout's call. “He came to visit me!” He takes a look at Scout's hand. “Did you eat his yogurt?”

“I don't know, I just ate _someone's_ yogurt.”

“Yes, he did,” Merasmus says, crossing his arms.

“Oh, boy,” Soldier says. “That's not going to be good.”

“ _No, it won't be!_ For you have earned my _wrath_.”

Most of the others are trickling into the kitchen, alarmed by the shouting and thunder. “ _Was ist los?_ ” Medic asks.

“Scout ate Merasmus' yogurt and earned his wrath,” Soldier fills in.

“What does that mean?”

“It means,” Merasmus cuts in, “that I lay a curse upon this base and all within it!” He brandishes his staff.

Nothing happens.

“Was that it?” asks Sniper, looking around.

“...Yes,” Merasmus says. “The curse will begin when you awaken tomorrow, and _not_ because my staff is malfunctioning!”

“Any chance you could tell us what this curse _is_?” Spy asks. “I like to be prepared.”

“No, and not because I chose a curse at random! Now, I take my leave, for I tire of your presences and I require more yogurt!” He vanishes.

“We need to stop letting him in here,” says Spy, smoking.

“I ain't worried,” says Scout, still holding the yogurt. “I'll bet all of you twenty bucks that we're not cursed. I'm gonna go to bed right now, and when I wake up, nothing will have changed.”

* * *

“ _Ahh! Everything's changed!_ ” Scout shrieks the next morning, looking in the mirror. Or at least, it would have been a shriek, were he still using his own vocal cords, which he is not. According to the mirror, he's also not using his own face. “Guys! Guys!”

Scout runs up and down the hallway, banging on everyone's doors and shouting. His running is significantly slower than usual. Within seconds, the others are rousing.

“I've gone blind!”

“I think I grew.”

“Och, I've shrunken!”

Scout continues banging on the doors. “Just get out here!”

“...I can't find the door.”

“Someone get Sniper out of his room,” Scout says, then reconsiders in light of his own problem. “Someone get whoever's wearing Sniper out of his room.”

With some minor assistance, they're all assembled in the hallway, except for Pyro.

“Okay, first things first, who's in who right now?” Scout asks. “This is Scout, and, uh, by the looks of things I'm borrowing Soldier's body.”

“I'm Soldier,” says Demo.

“Demo's over here,” says Engineer.

“I'm Engie,” says Heavy.

“Am Heavy,” says Medic.

“Medic,” says Spy, raising a hand.

“Spy, unfortunately,” says Sniper.

“Sniper here,” says Scout.

“Prro,” says Pyro, joining them at last.

“Wait,” says Engineer-in-Heavy, “Py, how come you aren't swapped?”

“Drrn't knrr,” they say, shrugging.

“Were you in the base last night?” Engie presses.

Pyro looks down. “Nrr.”

“That's probably why. We'll talk about you wandering off in the middle of the night later, once we're all back to normal.”

“Rrkay.”

“If you're done with your touching family moment,” says Spy-in-Sniper, “can we turn our attention back to the problem at hand, namely that we are all in each other's bodies?”

“Aye, it's not a problem,” says Demo-in-Engineer. “With curses like this, you just need to apologize.”

“Apologize.” Spy's disdainful look doesn't carry over to Sniper's face very well.

“Yes! So everybody tell that blasted wizard they're sorry about his yogurt, and we'll be back to normal before breakfast.”

“This is ridiculous.”

Heavy-in-Medic leans over to Spy's ear and whispers something. Spy goes pale.

“I am sorry for eating your yogurt,” he says. The others follow suit.

“I don't think it worked,” Engie says after it doesn't work. “Maybe we need to give him some more time before we apologize.”

Demo snorts. “I'm getting my books. There's a way out of this.”

“We'll go get breakfast, then,” says Engie, herding everyone out of the hallway. It's easier now that he isn't the smallest, least intimidating person there.

Medic-in-Spy grabs Heavy's sleeve as they walk away. “What did you tell Spy that made him react like that?”

“Told him if we did not change back he would have to shower like that.”

Medic gives a laugh that's half his own cackle and half Spy's snort. They all sound a little muddled right now, half their own accent and half their new body's, making for some interesting combinations, like Demo's new Scottish-Texan or Spy's French-Australian.

* * *

As it turns out, everything is a lot harder in a body that's not actually yours. Even the walk down to the kitchen is eventful – Engie keeps bumping into people, Scout won't stop complaining about how slow he is now, and Soldier keeps misjudging the distance he needs to get somewhere and running into walls.

“Cereal for you, partner,” Engie says to the last of these. “I don't trust you with a fork right now; Demo'll be out his other eye.”

“It's probably a good idea if we all keep to something simple. Our motor skills all seem impaired, and the last thing we need is the base burning down,” Medic says.

“Yeah, I don't think I could cook anything with these mitts,” Engineer says, attempting to pour himself some juice. It winds up on the floor.

“Rr'll grrt rrt,” says Pyro, reaching for the mop.

“Thanks, partner,” he says, breathing a sigh of relief. Spy, who's undergone a relatively small change in size and shape, ostentatiously pours Engineer's juice for him. “Don't look so smug, I heard you when you weren't wearing Sniper's glasses.”

Spy sniffs. “Who hires a _blind sharpshooter_?”

“I'm not blind, I'm just nearsighted!” Sniper shouts from over at the table.

“Oh, yes, that's much better, a sniper who can't see more than six inches in front of him!”

“Ugh,” says Scout. “This orange juice is terrible.”

“All orange juice is terrible,” counters Soldier. “Hey, that must be me doing that to you!” He snags Scout's cup and drinks some. “Turns out Demo likes orange juice.”

“I think we all know Demo would drink anything by now,” Medic says, tapping his fingers on the table. “Ach, why am I so anxious suddenly?”

“I think I can answer that,” Spy says, offering Medic a pack of cigarettes.

“I will not,” Medic says, affronted.

“Why not? It's not as if it's your lungs. And it will keep you from fidgeting like an over-caffinated Scout.”

“Hrmph, fine, but you're going to have to show me the proper technique with these ...things.” Spy leads him outside.

Once there, Spy hands Medic a cigarette from the pack. “Now cup your hands around the end.” He holds up his lighter, and in a few seconds, it's lit. 

“You know,” Medic says, once he's taken a few drags of it and Spy's body is railing against him a little less, “I could probably do something about your addiction. It would be easier in the long-term than replacing your lungs every few months.”

Spy shrugs. “I am fine with it. Though I may have quit if I had known I was going to be swapping bodies with a finicky doctor.”

“Why? What do you gain from this besides an unfortunate respiratory system?”

“It's part of my image,” Spy bristles.

Medic laughs. “Does that mean you're going to turn Sniper while you're wearing him?”

“No,” he says. “I would not do that to someone else's body. It's not as much fun if you don't get permission.”

Medic raises an eyebrow under the mask. “That's an odd thing for a mercenary to say.”

“I didn't say who had to give permission.”

* * *

“So, uh,” says Scout, “how are we gonna deal with the match today? There's no way I can fight like this, no offense, Solly.”

“None taken,” Soldier says, trying to maneuver a spoon of cereal to his mouth without losing it, like the last three.

“Hm,” says Engineer, thinking about it. “Some of us would probably be all right – I can build my machines while in this body, and I'm sure Demo could do his job in mine, but I don't think it'd work for most of us.”

“ _Da,_ is no way I can lift Sasha in Medic,” Heavy agrees.

“I guess we could use the weapons that go with the bodies,” Scout says. “I've always kinda wanted to learn how to rocket jump.”

“We'd get crushed if we did that, son. It's better if we tell the Administrator we're sick or something and get out of it for the day.”

“Yeah, that'll work real well, especially with this guy in the doc's body. Medic's always using big words and shit! Heavy can hardly put a sentence together. No offense, dude.”

“It will be fine,” Medic says, coming back inside with Spy, smelling of cigarettes. “I'll prepare him.”

* * *

“Are you sure is okay?” Heavy asks, the two of them having moved to Medic's bedroom.

“For the last time, yes. It's perfectly fine for you to put my clothes on!”

“But would have to...take clothes _off_ , first,” Heavy says, turning red.

“I am aware. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Now take my clothes off, and put these on.” He throws one of his uniforms on the bed. Medic leaves the room.

A few minutes later, he's looking at himself, mostly dressed for work. Heavy hasn't put on his tie or gloves or buttoned up his overcoat. “Doctor?”

“Yes?”

“Need help with tie.”

Medic stares incredulously. It's an expression that looks right at home on his own face, but a little strange on Heavy's. “You don't know how to tie a tie?”

Heavy shrugs. “Don't wear one.”

“Ach, come here.”

Heavy moves closer to him and tilts his chin up, letting Medic loop the tie around his neck and knot it. He's not used to Spy's hands yet, so it's a little less perfect than his usual work, but soon Heavy is wearing a reasonable half-Windsor. “There you are,” he says, patting Heavy on the cheek to let him know he's done. “Do you need me to button your coat, too?”

“No, is fine,” he says, ignoring the sarcasm and tucking the tie into his waistcoat. “How do I look?” he asks when the coat is done up.

“Exceedingly handsome,” says Medic, smirking. The two of them head down to the infirmary to use the videophone. “Now remember, you have to make her believe you're me. We don't want her poking around until we manage to get that wizard to lift his spell.”

“How do I do that?”

“Use more articles when you talk, for one,” Medic suggests. “You know me quite well, Heavy. You can do it.”

Heavy punches in the Administrator's code and waits for her to answer. Medic shuffles out of the view of the camera.

“Yes, what is it?” she says by way of greeting.

“Hello!” says Heavy. “We need to cancel match today. There is medical emergency on base.”

The Administrator raises an eyebrow. “What's wrong with your voice?”

“Nothing,” Heavy says, this time making a conscious effort to imitate Medic's half of their combined accent. “Is how I always sound.”

She looks unconvinced, but also apparently doesn't have the patience to deal with it. “What kind of emergency?”

“Everyone has flu. Vomiting, fevers, trouble moving. You know.”

“You were all fine yesterday.”

“Yes, is strange thing. Have to do tests. Lots of experiments and science.” He gives one of Medic's most terrifying smiles.

The actual Medic slaps a hand to his face.

“Get everyone up and running as soon as possible. This war won't fight itself.” She disconnects the call.

“It worked,” Heavy says, sounding shocked.

“Surprisingly.”

“What do we do now?”

“What we always do with time off, I suppose.”

* * *

“Oi, Spy, what are you doing in there, waiting for Smissmas?” Sniper says, pounding on the bathroom door.

“I am doing what people generally do in bathrooms in the morning,” he retorts.

“Wait, does that mean you showered in my body?!”

“As I am currently cleaner than you've ever been, I would have to say yes. And don't sound so horrified. Is that not what you were planning to do with our young friend?”

“Well, yeah, but I'm not a creepy bugger in a mask.” 

“Yes, you are just a 'creepy bugger' in a white van.” Then Spy jolts like he's just had an electric shock. “Medic,” he says, running out of the bathroom. Sniper shakes his head.

“Wait,” he shouts after Spy. “Which one of our toothbrushes did you use?!”

Spy finds Medic in his lab, unsurprisingly. Equally predictably, Heavy is there too. “I need to speak with you,” he says, taking Medic by the arm. Which means that in a way, he's grabbing his own arm. He loosens his grip a little. “Have you taken my mask off?”

“Why would I do that?”

“To look at me,” Spy says, as though it's the most obvious thing in the world.

“You make it seem as though I care what you look like,” Medic says. “Besides, I already know.”

Spy is taken aback. “You do?”

“Yes, of course. Did you not wonder why I let you leave your mask on during your physicals? I've already seen your face – the company provided me with images along with your medical files.”

“You've seen my medical files?!”

* * *

“How's it coming, Demo?” Engineer asks, sidling awkwardly into Demo's room. He's surrounded on all sides by stacks of books on magic and magicians. Engie stands still; he doesn't want to knock anything down, and he's been extremely clumsy all morning. Growing a foot and a half and becoming twice as broad overnight has that effect.

“Not good, lad,” Demo says, the affectionate nickname sounding odd coming from Engie's mouth. “Every one of these books says we need the wizard to lift his spell.”

“So we need to get on his good side.”

“Eh?”

“We need to make him like us enough to flip us all back! So we need to butter him up.”

“Ah, I get where you're going now. You figure we're safe enough to drive like this?”

Engie shrugs. One of the book-towers collapses as his shoulder hits it. “Safe enough, I reckon.”

“Then we're going into town. Best get Soldier, he knows what kind of things Merasmus might want.”

They stop by Soldier's room to get him. Inside, he's attempting to clean his shotgun.

“This is going to end well,” mutters Demo. “And in my body, too.”

“Soldier,” Engie says, as calmly as possible, “put the gun down.”

“Oh, hello!” he says, noticing them for the first time. He tosses the gun aside, causing both Engie and Demo to leap backwards in alarm. “I unloaded it! No need to jump back like a couple of sissies!”

Engie explains the plan. Soldier agrees readily.

“Can I drive?” he asks.

“No!”

* * *

“I'm bored,” Scout says, lying on his stomach in the grass outside the base. “And being Soldier is weird and lame.”

Pyro says nothing, but leans over, settling a garland of daisies they've diligently tied together around his head.

“Yeah, thanks, man. Real helpful.”

* * *

Demo, Engineer, and Soldier pile into Engie's truck. Or at least Demo and Soldier get _inside_ ; Engie in his current form is too huge and is banished to the bed for the ride into town.

“Don't fret,” Demo says. “I'll take good care of your truck. I've got two eyes now and I'm not even drunk; it'll be a breeze.”

Engineer is still less than thrilled at the prospect of letting Demo drive, but acquieses anyway. They tear out of the garage so fast Engie nearly flies out of the truck.

“Demo, for the love of god, slow down!” he shouts, banging on the back window.

“We're only doing seventy-five, lad, it's fine!”

Soldier leans out the window. “ _Woo!_ ”

“Ey! Put my head back in here! I need that body back and knowing you you'll bash my noggin off a road sign.” He drags Soldier back down. The truck swerves dangerously.

“So this is how I die. In a car crash, magically turned into a giant Russian,” Engineer mutters, clinging to the sides of the truck bed for dear life.

They do get into town, eventually, and without any fatalities.

“All right, I'm going to go to the grocery store to get some more yogurt for that damn wizard, meet me back here in an hour with what you get,” he says, lumbering off in the direction of the supermarket. He's attracting a lot of attention with how large he is – Engie's used to being teased for his short stature, but to have people gawk is new. He doesn't like it much.

He locates the store, then the yogurt, then the checkout, and it's only then that he realizes: he left Demo and Soldier alone in town. And Demo's still wearing his body.

“Aw, hell.”

* * *

“Jesus, what's all this yelling about?” Sniper asks, joining Medic, Spy, and Heavy in the infirmary.

“Doctor has seen Spy's face,” Heavy says. Medic and Spy are still yelling at each other on the other side of the room. It's a little surreal – it looks like Sniper and Spy are having one of their usual tiffs, but Sniper himself is watching it.

“So?”

“You know how Spy is,” he says. “Wants to be big secret. Big mystery.”

“You know what?” Medic shouts, before Sniper can reply to Heavy's insight, “There!”

He pulls the mask off.

Spy storms out of the room, fists clenched. Sniper follows, leaving Heavy with Medic.

“Spy! Spy, come back here.” Spy doesn't stop, but Sniper has the speed advantage of Scout's body, so he catches up anyway.

“Do not talk to me right now,” he says through clenched teeth. “I cannot believe he did that.”

“What's the big deal? It's only two more people and neither of us has it out for you.”

Spy laughs. “Not now, you don't. But what happens when we aren't on the same team and someone pays you to hunt me down, hmm? Or what if someone else looking for me finds you and tortures it out of you?”

“What am I gonna do, draw him a bloody picture? I saw your face for a split second, spook. It'll be fine.”

“So blasé. I'm surprised you have lived this long, sometimes.”

Sniper shrugs. “I shoot first.”

“As do I. Let's hope that it never comes down to us two.”

Sniper slings an arm around Spy's shoulders – his own shoulders. “If it makes you feel any better, you're not a bad-looking bloke.”

Spy stalls out for a moment. “And you have a face like a horse.”

* * *

“Doctor,” Heavy says, “you should not have done that.”

“I know,” he sighs, pulling Spy's mask back on.

“Is not your business if Spy want to hide face.”

“I know.”

“Is important to his job that no one know what he look like.”

“I know.”

“Should not let little Spy get to you so much.”

“I know.”

“Have to apologize to Spy.”

“I know.”

“Later, when he is not so angry.”

“I know.”

“Good talk,” Heavy says, clapping Medic on the back.

“Hmph,” says Medic. “Why are you always right about these things?”

“Am very smart,” he says, smiling.

“Modest, too.”

“Is no need for modesty if is true.”

* * *

Engineer finds his wayward companions inside a small store. He rushes in, bashing his head off the doorframe. “Goddamn giant,” he mutters, pushing forth to get to Soldier and Demo.

“Hello, Engie!” Soldier says upon noticing him. He's very noticeable, now.

“Hey, guys,” he says. “Y'all haven't blown anything up while I was gone, right?”

“No,” says Demo. “I don't have any of my bombs anyway.”

“All right, that's good. Did you find anything for that wizard yet?”

“We are purchasing him flowers!” says Soldier. Engineer notices for the first time that the little shop is indeed a florist.

“Flowers? Does Merasmus like flowers?”

“I have no idea! But in the movies people apologize with flowers, so so are we!”

“We should get some balloons, too,” says Demo, looking at a bunch of them.

“Good thinking, soldier! Who could say no to flowers and balloons?”

“And yogurt,” Engie puts in, sardonically, holding up the bag.

“You have acquired the yogurt! This plan is coming together!” Soldier turns to the woman behind the counter. “What kind of flowers would you recommend for a wizard?”

She is taken aback. “A wizard?”

“Yes! He is not a very powerful wizard, but Scout ate all his yogurt and now we must apologize to get our bodies back!”

The woman is at a complete loss for words.

“Let me try,” Engineer says, pushing Soldier aside. He practically goes flying into a seed display. “Sorry, partner. Just give us what you'd normally give eight people trying to get on someone's good side, please.”

The woman is still dumbfounded, but she wraps up eight bouquets of various flowers anyway. 

“And one of these things of balloons,” Demo adds.

She takes their money in a daze. Engie thanks her and the three of them head back to the truck, Engineer sitting in the back with the flowers and balloons. The yogurt gets to ride up front.

“I'll get my book,” Demo says when they get back, tossing some of the flowers down on the counter.

“All righty,” Engie says, adding his own flowers to the pile, as gently as he can manage in his oversized body.

Soldier is the last in, carrying the yogurt and balloons.

“What the hell is all this stuff?” asks Scout. He and Pyro are sitting at the kitchen table, playing cards. Scout inexplicably has a crown of daisies wrapped around Soldier's helmet.

“We're trying to make a fancy apology, son, so we bought some flowers and replacement yogurt.”

“And balloons!” shouts Demo.

“And balloons, yeah.”

“Is that gonna work?”

“Guess we'll find out,” says Engie. “I better move these into some water or they'll start wilting.”

Demo comes back, toting one of his books. “All right, lads, who's ready to summon a wizard?”

“We've gotta round up everyone else, first,” Engie reminds him.

Heavy and Medic are easy to find, casually reading on the couch in the infirmary, Medic's legs across Heavy's lap. This would not be out of the ordinary, except it looks like Spy is the one curled up with Medic, which gives it an uncomfortable air.

Sniper and Spy turn out to be on the roof, presumably talking, though they both clam up when they see Engie and Demo sticking their heads out of the trapdoor that leads to where they're sitting.

“We're gonna summon Merasmus to try apologizing,” Engineer explains. “Want to come down?”

“We'll be right down,” Sniper says.

“But before we get to that apology,” Medic says from some ways down the ladder, “I need to talk to Spy.” He manages to climb up and over so that he's visible to Spy and Sniper, basically getting a piggyback ride from Engie. “Herr Spy. I would like to apologize for disrespecting your wishes and taking your mask off. It was rude and potentially dangerous and childish of me. I am sorry.”

Spy nods. “But if you do it again, I will kill you.”

“Understood.”

“Wanna get off my back now, doc?”

“Oh! Yes, sorry, Engie.” He makes his way back to the actual ladder and climbs down. The team meets up in the kitchen.

“All right,” says Demo, “before we summon Merasmus, here's a bunch of flowers for each of you. Sorry, Pyro, we didn't get you any because you don't need to apologize.” Pyro makes a miffed noise and sits at the table. Demo distributes the flowers. “Now, onto business.”

“What do we need for that?” asks Scout. “Is it like, a spell or a potion or something?”

“Oh, no. This is my address book, lad. I'm gonna ring him on the phone.” He dials the number over Scout's indignant sputtering. “He's coming down,” says Demo after a short conversation. “Get your flowers ready, and everybody smile. Like you mean it! We're trying to get a curse lifted here!”

A flash and a bang, and Merasmus is in the room. 

“Merasmus has arrived!” He looks around the room to see eight grinning mercenaries, all of whom are holding flowers, with a pack of yogurt and some balloons sitting in the middle. “Merasmus is confused!”

“We wanted to apologize,” Engie explains. “For eating your yogurt and generally being bad hosts. We got you some new yogurt and these flowers --”

“And balloons, lad!”

“-- and balloons to tell you how sorry we are.”

Everyone murmurs their own “sorry”. 

Merasmus considers. “What flavour yogurt is that?”

“Apricot,” Engie says.

“Then apology accepted!” He bangs his staff against the ground. “Oh, come on.” He bangs it again, and this time there's a flash of light and everyone is suddenly standing in a slightly different part of the kitchen.

“Hey, we're back!” Scout says, literally jumping with joy and pumping his fist. Pyro claps in happiness. Soldier and Demo exchange a high-five. Sniper gives Spy an awkward pat on the back.

Heavy picks up Medic, spinning him around. “Have missed being strong,” he says.

“I'm strong,” Medic protests, still hanging a foot off the ground. “The medi-gun is quite heavy.”

“Can you pick up teammates?”

“Well, no.”

“Then not as strong as me.” 

Medic rolls his eyes.

* * *

“So,” Demo says, as they all gravitate around the television after dinner, “how was it being someone else for a bit?”

“Slow,” says Scout. Soldier punches him in the arm.

“Painful,” is Soldier's answer. 

“What? Why?” Demo asks, surprised.

“I ran into a lot of walls.”

“That explains why my face hurts so much.”

“How was it being me, Demo?”

“Eh, not bad,” he says, shrugging. “Kind of nice to have both eyes again.”

“Well, it was terrible being Sniper,” Spy says. “He's blind as a bat.”

“And I thought we were having a nice day together,” Sniper says, fake-wounded. “It was kinda fun being Scout. Like being a kid again.”

“I'm not a kid!”

“Close enough.”

“It was weird being Heavy,” Engie says, rubbing his chin. “It was strange, being so big. Kept hitting my head off things. It'll actually be a relief going back to being short, in a way.”

“It wasn't that much of a change being Spy,” says Medic. “A little less muscle, but essentially a similar size and shape to my usual body. And I've already apologized for the most notable thing that happened today.”

“Was not weird to be Doctor,” Heavy says. “But good thing no one need surgery today.”

Medic pats his hand. “I don't think anyone would have expected you to do it just because you were in my body.”

“Haha, _in my body_ ,” Scout says, laughing. Soldier punches him again.

“Well, I hope it taught you all a lesson,” says Merasmus, coming in from the kitchen with a cup of yogurt in hand.

“Yeah, don't eat unlabelled yogurt unless you want to be Soldier for the day.”

“The lesson was to respect a wizard and his property, you imbecile! Or grave misfortune will follow.”

“Uh, that too.”

“Good! I am taking my leave now. Think twice before touching my things again!” He vanishes.

“We better not, just in case he learns a better curse,” Engie says.

Demo snorts. “I think we're safe from that, lad.”

* * *

“It's good to be back to normal,” Medic says, once it's just him and Heavy left in the living room. “Being Spy was not that bad, but I did miss being myself.”

“ _Da_ ,” Heavy agrees. “Was not hard being you, but is better being me.”

“The hardest part was turning to look at you and seeing my own face instead.”

“Why?” Heavy asks, puzzled.

“It added a rather narcissistic element to our relationship.” Medic stands up, offering Heavy a hand. “Now, why don't you show me what you've learned, wearing my body all day?”

He finds himself tossed over Heavy's shoulder without preamble. He's fine with that. More than fine, really.

“ _Quelle surprise,_ ” Spy mutters from the doorway.

“What's going on?” Sniper asks, coming to stand behind him just in time to see Heavy and Medic leaving the room.

“Ah, Heavy and the _docteur_ are using today's experience as an excuse for certain activities.”

“They're going to shag, you mean.”

“Yes, essentially,” he says, rolling his eyes at the vulgarity. Then, after a moment, “Would you like an excuse?”

“What?!”

Spy turns and gives him a leer. “Well, since you were so keen to tell me you thought I was handsome...”

“I said you were _not bad-looking!_ I didn't say you were _handsome!_ ”

“Hm, more or less the implication.”

“I hate you so much.”

“I don't think that's true.”

“It is!” Sniper insists. “You called me horse-faced.”

Spy leans in. “I didn't say that was a bad thing. I actually rather like your horse face.”

He lets Sniper stand there stammering for about a minute, smirking all the while.

“I can't pick you up,” is what he finally says.

“Good, I don't want to go out to your van anyway.”

“Now I wish I could, just to make you go out there.”

“Take me to your van and I will literally never sleep with you.”

“But,” Sniper says, dropping his voice, “outside we don't have to be _quiet_.”

Spy pauses. “Clean those jars out and we'll talk.”

**Author's Note:**

> true story, the working title for this was "The Big Gay Bodyswap".
> 
> Again, as always, you can leave prompts for me here or on [Tumblr](http://gilgameshwulfenbach.tumblr.com).


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